Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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