I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Randomize
