i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Randomize
