we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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