dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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