im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
fuck your aforementioned shoe
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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