the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
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