Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
