rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
