I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
