just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
