I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
he fucked my hip out of place.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
