hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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