Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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