I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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