My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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