my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
