can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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