you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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