Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
