to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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