ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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