I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
what is it with giant penises always finding me
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
