The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
i out mim tonsoeep
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
