I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
