so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
