so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
