Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
