make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Randomize
