I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
