am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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