i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
