I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
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