Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
