Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
