Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
