If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
