dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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