U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
