Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
