Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
