if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
