I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
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