Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
