Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
