I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
