how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
you had me at cake vodka
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
