ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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