All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
