rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
