i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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