Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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