Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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