is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
