even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
