She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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