We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
