Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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