Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
