i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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