I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
