I'd wear matching sweaters with you
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
