found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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